Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I Kid You Not, D’Banj Has Got Nothing On This Guy…

Move over Flava Flav! Move over D’Banj!

If you thought D’Banj’s upcoming reality TV show, Koko Mansion - with its kinky specifications of who a Kokolette should be and all - was the latest, most-lucrative way to combine romance and commerce, here’s a Newsflash for you: you got it dead wrong!

This ad was spotted by eagle-eyed Jumoke Verissimo in one of our national dailies and no, it is no practical joke.

According to her, the following is a picture of an advertorial that appeared in The Punch Newspapers of May 27th, 2009. For an original (comical) experience, kindly click on the picture and zoom in adequately. Please pardon the small size / poor resolution:

For the sakes of others who cannot, I have also taken the pains of transcribing the ad below exactly as it appears. Kindly take out time to read this (all the emphasis are mine):


Administration Executive (Female)
Our client, divorced, in his late fifties, and from one of the Igbo-speaking Eastern States, is the Chief Executive of a reputable organisation based in Lagos. He requires the services of Administration Executive (female), with the opportunity of progressing to the position of Executive Director.

Special Requirements
The successful candidate must be:
from one of the Igbo-speaking Eastern States (single or divorced);
a devoted, practising Christian, presentable, with good disposition and pleasant personality;
professional, mature, and humble;
ready for a meaningful relationship that may lead to marriage;
preferably 35 - 50 years of age;

good Degree in a business-related discipline;
MBA or Professional Qualification is an added advantage;
outstanding skill in Business Communication, Office Administration, and Public Relations;
proficiency in the use of Information Communications Technology, especially office application packages;
reasonable working experience

Nature Of Duties
Provides efficient administrative support to the Chief Executive, enabling him to devote more time to major policy issues;
Undertakes general office administration, including human resource management, procurement, maintenance of facilities, and top secretarial functions;
Carries out corporate affairs functions, including public relations, training and events planning.

There is absolutely no limit to what the right candidate will earn: very good annual salary within the seven-figures bracket, which is negotiable, depending on present position and experience: official car with driver, official accommodation, retirement benefits, free medical services in a first-class medical centre, etc.

Method Of Application
Each candidate is required to submit the following:
hand-written application;
detailed profile stating age, weight, height, special interests, family background, town/state of origin, employment history, telephone number, and physical contact address for urgent courier delivery;
a recent full size coloured photograph

General Information
All applicants with be treated with utmost respect and confidentially.
All candidates will be contacted.
There will be an interactive session (reciprocal interview) between our client and each candidate for exchange of detailed and honest personal information in strict confidence, at a special venue that will guarantee maximum privacy. The interactive session will feature only one candidate each day.
Each candidate attending the interactive session will be refunded full transport expenses (including accommodation and feeding for those attending from outside Lagos).
Unsuccessful candidates will have their documents and photographs returned to them intact.

Closing Date
Applications should be sent to:

The Principal Consultant
c/o P.M.B. 3063
not later than Monday 15th June 2009.

The End…

Finished reading? Good… Now, let me share my own views. If I understand the ad right, this Igbo-speaking CEO dude requires a single or divorced, super multi-tasking, female Admin. Exec who’s ready for a meaningful relationship that may lead to marriage and who will earn a negotiable seven-figure salary p.a. with an official car, driver and accommodation thrown in the kitty. Chikena!

Talk of having your cake and eating it!

Of special interest is the part where he mentions she should be able to carry out corporate affairs functions including events-planning (their marriage/child dedication ceremonies, perhaps?). Plus the selection process which involves an interactive/reciprocal interview at a special venue that will guarantee maximum privacy. All candidates will be contacted! Haba! This guy na he-goat? In my books, that’s just decent wording to say “come to a hotel room so I can sample you candidates one at a time”. Surprising that he didn’t include a specific section detailing the bedroom skills of his prospective employees!

But that’s my own biased view. I shall VERY MUCH like to hear yours on the above. Entries close 15th of June (for the vacancy, not your comments) so, ladies, if any of you is brave enough to apply for the position, please be sure to keep us enlightened on the interview and screening processes.

And finally, let the credits roll:

Pix: Mucho gracias to Jumoke Verissimo for her Facebook pictures.
Placement & Additional Reportage: JonXavier “Naughty Eyes”

PS: In case you are unaware, Jumoke Verissimo is a journalist, poet and writer of a poetry collection called I Am Memory. She was also one of the authors featured in the 9 Writers, 4 Cities Book Tour. You can call to get a list of shops where you can buy her book or search for her on Facebook. And no, this is not a paid ad…